My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
