A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts