my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
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I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
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Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked