I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar