she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
