I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
