My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
