Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
The best revenge is premature balding
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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