sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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