My sheets look like a crime scene.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
