Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
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Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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