first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
