Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
