Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
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I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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