I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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