But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
