At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
