Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
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she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
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Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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