oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i think i have two assholes
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
