i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
