I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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