Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
