I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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