Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
