What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
