so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Randomize
