One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
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so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
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Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check