I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
