God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize