Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
