Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
