can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
