when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
