no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
