Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
