She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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