I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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