My liver just broke up with me...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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