you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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