you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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