That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
