If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
