Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
