I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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