Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You left your phone here
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