And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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