he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
