i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
