Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
