Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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