A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
