By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
