Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
