I cannot find my penis.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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