The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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