I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
