Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
