I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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