I'm going to rape someone's good day.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
