Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
