just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
